30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge (Days 11-14)

Day 11: My God is loving and sometimes bad, shitty, unfair things happen. That doesn't mean God or a HP is punishing someone... So I'm going to go with bad luck and bad genetics. And partially, being on too many antibiotics my entire life.

Day 12: That's nearly impossible to do. But I have a draft of just that already in the works! Imagine your stomach flu, year-round. And the feeling of stubbing your toe on a dresser all over your whole body. Oh, and not being able to use half your body--don't reach up on the top shelf with that arm! Don't put too much weight on that foot! Oh, you took a shower in the morning? Guess what, you're not leaving the couch for the rest of the day. Your knee has seen 5 cadaver ligament grafts, so to compensate, we're going to remove your body parts. Then literally doctors say things like, "You don't need this muscle. You can do without that rib. But don't dream of doing any of the stuff you love again, because let's be realistic, kiddo, it ain't happening."

Day 13: I object to the intelligence of whoever created this. Effing duh. Yeah, I was basically robbed of my entire life as I know it, but mentally I'm peachy keen. Stupid.

Day 14: Well, that's a jackass question to follow up the previous. Fine. 1-Blaze. His whole existence. Him snuggling me all day long. The sweet way he smells. The loud way he snores. And the beautifully vulnerable side he only shows to me. 2-Kevin. He has quite literally, on purpose, given up his life as he knew it to take care of me. He does just about everything for me.

3-My Dad. Duh. He's my other most important man besides K & B. He takes care of me too. He still does some doc appointments, though usually Kevin is able to. But prior to April, Dad did them all. He has also been saving up vacation days in anticipation of whatever surgery comes next.
 

4-Good therapy. I've been in and out since I was 7 years old. I have had incredible therapists. And I have had mentally special therapists. Currently, thank God/Jesus/Virgin Mary/Goddess/Allah for her, because, well, see question 13. Mentally, I'm a mess. Let's just be honest about that. I'm a hot effing mess of mental shit. 5-Having health insurance again. Let me paint this picture for those of you who don't know, if you're still reading at this point. I lost health care a little while back, because of preexisting conditions. I'm going to dumb that down one step further: I lost health insurance because I was sick. You thought health insurance was supposed to help people when they're sick? Gosh, me too. Wrong.
On a related political note, this is why I want to rip people's eyeballs out when they hate on "Obamacare". Look, be a Republican and hate on Obama all you want, that doesn't offend me. But typically when I hear criticisms about Obamacare, it's people making these arguments and claims that it's just another handout to lazy people. Maybe some people abuse the system, sure. But do you know how hard it has been for me to get disability? I still haven't received it. Do you know that if all aspects of Obamacare were already into effect, I wouldn't have gone months without health insurance. Do you know what months without cost a person like me (who is on about 15 prescriptions and probably averages 4 office visits a month (not counting PT, only doctors)? I'll give you the ballpark: I'm in a 5-digit figure of medical debt. And separately, but related because of not being on disability though I am disabled (therefore no income) I'm also in a totally separate 5-digit figure of debt over my home in Baltimore. Uhh yeah, awesome? Refer back to good therapy

I'm skipping 15 because I don't like it. Thanks for reading my rant of the day!

School's Out For Summer

I posted a status on Facebook about how Kevin, on his first day of summer vacation, brought me breakfast in bed. He always promises that this type of doting behavior (along with flowers every week or two) isn't because we are newlyweds and will continue throughout our lives. Here's hoping, because I feel so lucky to be spoiled and pampered. Let me tell you, it's not bad being treated like a queen.

After that lounging start, we went to work. It was a very physical day for me -- much more than I normally would ever pack into one day. Call it end of spring cleaning. 

Tuesday night we bought a new-to-us bookshelf off Craiglist, from a guy in Fairfax. We already have two bookshelves that are about 8 and 9 feet respectively and one in the 4 foot range. We turned a skinny 4-footer into a DVD shelf. The remaining three were not even close to enough room for the book collection of a couple who met working for their college newspaper. We are book nerds, plain and simple. And we can't even merge our collections because we have different ways of organizing our books. Kevin does what probably every normal person does (or would do if they read) and alphabetizes by author. I would, except I can't. I'm serious, with my "memory" or lack thereof I can't! I'd never find anything because I don't know who wrote it, unless it's Stephen King. So I clump my books in sections based on topics (a much broader thing to remember than a person's name!). I have sections on poetry, sports, animals (subsections: dog fiction, pit bulls, and sharks), philosophy, vampires, Stephen King, Harry Potter, Chicken Soup for the ______ Soul, mafia, religion/spirituality (subsections: new age, Christianity, and Wicca), college books I found interesting enough not to sell back, etc...

While Kevin reorganized our bookshelves and vacuumed the house, I gave our 4 bathrooms a thorough, deep scrub clean (top to bottom, every nook and cranny). Four bathrooms sounds awesome when you're shopping for a home. It is not awesome when you have to clean all of them. Halfway through cleaning the bathrooms, I took a "break" to organize our office with Kevin. Over the last two months we haven't ever put anything away in the office. We've just put office-type stuff into unassigned piles. Afterward, we went on our daily family walk, which is Blaze's long walk of the day. 

When all was done except the half bathrooms, we made ourselves a lovely dinner that happened to also require a lot of work. We had grilled kabobs: chicken, grape tomatoes, and both green and red peppers with a side of corn on the cob. Kevin cut the chicken; I mixed together a marinade for the chicken: a blend of teriyaki sauce, EVOO, egg, poultry seasoning, and lemon pepper. Kevin chopped veggies and shucked corn; I cleaned the main level half-bath. We skewered together.

We ceremoniously started our brand new grill (thanks to my in-laws!) together. Our grill is charcoal, because I'm old school and had no interest in a new, schmancy propane operated machine. Kevin's used to boiling corn and a more modern style of grilling, so when it came time to cook, I (wo)manned the grill. And while the coals were burning I cleaned the basement bathroom. 

We sat down to dinner at our brand new patio furniture (courtesy of Kevin spoiling me with stuff for the house). Dinner was fantastic. We considered our first new-grill meal a huge success, and we're very happy that grilling burgers is on our menu for next week. For his part, Blaze probably ate an entire pepper's worth of veggies, because we made way too much.  

In other backyard news, I've grown lush new grass (which is ironic because I have killed my one houseplant). We had a patch that was overrun with rocks and weeds, except for a few poorly maintained rose bushes. About 2-3 weeks ago, I poisoned and ripped out the weeds and raked the area until I got fresh dirt and sprayed out grass seed. With all the rain we've been getting it has flourished. Mommy made great grass for Blaze!

In healing news..... No, I'm still not getting any better, but my henna-like tattoo is all healed up. And quite pretty, if I may brag about my ink ;)

One more piece of healing! My scar, from the March surgery. My physical therapists always comment on how well it has healed. Nothing else is healing, so at least there is that!

PT in one hour! And pain doc, maybe resuming injections, tomorrow! Updates likely to follow....

You Guys Make My World Less Small

You people in the real world have TGIF. I used to, but now I often forget what day of the week it is. I've also, occasionally, forgotten the month. But I digress. I thought my version of TGIF could be a really uplifting, positive post.
It isn't written by me though. It's written by you.
Sometimes when people reach out to me about this blog, they apologize, more or less, for getting in my business. But please, get in my business. My world is small and everytime someone reaches out, it gets a little bigger.
The messages here are by no means all-inclusive of every FB message, text, or email that I've gotten, and clearly I can't include phone calls (like the 20 minute call from Hawaii yesterday!). Oh, and for once, none of this is about Kevin's awesomeness (even though we can all agree he has been the rockstar of caregivers). It's really all yours. YOU ARE AWESOME TO ME AND FOR ME TOO!!!!
Friends, I want you to know that these messages are a huge part of the reason I have this blog. As I said, my world is very small and isolated lately. Thank god for technology, because I can reach out and connect, and through this my world has become slightly bigger. Every time you tell me I inspire you, I feel more strength to keep fighting. Every time you share a problem that feels similar to mine, I feel less alone. Every time you send me these kind, loving words, you lift me up and you keep me going. You cannot possibly imagine how much every one of these means to me.
And that's a bonus reason I'm doing this post. Because the next time I get really down, I have an easy place to go to find so many blessings and so much love all with a single mouse-click. Re-reading these I wonder, what did I do to deserve you guys?
**Disclaimer: I removed things that gave away identities from the messages, because what you've said to me is personal, and it's not my place to put it out there. I'm just trying to share the wonderful love and kindness you've all bestowed upon me. If I slipped and you feel people reading will guarantee know it's you, message me and I'll go in and edit the post if need be.
So once again, thank you all. Love-love-love, Me.

PS--those of you that say I'm inspiring you through whatever your tough times are, talk to me... I'm home alone all day, so I'm available for those in need of a chat. Seriously. People always think "oh I can't share my problems with a chronically ill person, because my stuff will seem so trivial" but that is NOT true. Being able to talk to someone about "normal" problems, like family issues or dating stuff, make me feel more normal and connected. I will never feel your problems are trivial, everyone's pain and struggle, no matter how big or small, is real and valid. And being there for others lets me feel productive, like I'm contributing to the world. So lean on me. I promise, it will HELP me.

Okay, and on to what you loves have sent me......


"Hey Shanley!

I just read through all of your blog posts (yes, like a creepy stalker) and there are a few things I want to tell you. First off, I want to say I am sorry the surgery did not help as expected. That really sucks, and you are absolutely inspiring for keeping your chin up through all of your struggles. In tandem with that, it's good to know that you're allowing room to be vulnerable- I am a firm believer that allowing yourself to feel vulnerable, sad, and scared really makes you better able to cope with what you are going through. It can be overwhelming at times- feeling like you are literally suffocating in emotions, but taking it one day, one minute, or one second at a time and breathing through it, accepting those feelings- That is testament to your incredible strength. 

I am also really happy that you found a blog as a "mental dump" outlet. I know that when life gets overwhelming it is unbelievably important to get it all out- it is therapeutic and relieves some of the stress. I would like to thank you for sharing your struggles, and triumphs with me (and the internet). It's important that people know and hear about invisible diseases, and I think it's wonderful that you are sharing your personal experiences.

I have struggled with _____, another invisible disease but it is much more well known. I've been thinking about starting a blog detailing some experiences I have had with the hopes of helping others. Reading your blog has been absolutely inspiring, and I'd hope to inspire others as well.

I'm not sure if all of this rambling is actually doing anything, but I was compelled to email you about my feelings on what you've written. So I guess what I want to say is that you are a strong, compassionate, woman who has been dealt a really tough hand, but you have the fire in your heart that gives you the determination to succeed and overcome these shitty obstacles. I can't even begin to tell you how inspiring, and encouraging that is- especially to people like me, who suffer from invisible diseases.

I see on Facebook that you moved - but I googled it and you're only an hour away from me. Please PLEASE know that if you ever need anything, a plush shark, a box of chocolates, some cheer-you-up flowers, a shoulder to cry on, a person to cry with, a helpful ear to air complaints, pains, thoughts to- I'm your girl. If you ever need anything, anything at all, I'm a text or call away.

Love you, keep your beautiful chin up!"

"I am so sorry to hear about all that you are going through... _____ showed me your scar on Instagram and my heart goes out to you, I can't even begin to know all that you are going through but I know that you have made a difference in my daughter's life, not knocking _____, but _____ is constantly saying well it's different because in soccer we were a family,  I hear her repeat that theme over and over again, I hear such admiration in her when she talks about you, not just as a coach but as a person. I am so lucky that she had you for a coach but even more lucky as someone that she looks up to not just for winning  but also a strong, confidant young woman/ I hope you can get the relief that you seek from this pain. Take Good Care of Yourself and Heal...."

"So I started following your blog recently after seeing one of your fb posts... and from what I can tell, life kind of sucks right now, huh? Although your gratitude made me smile. I'm sorry your surgery turned out the way it did, more so I'm kinda pissed. Do I have any right to be pissed for you? Idk, but I am - it just seems like shit. If you get the chance to reply to this, do let me know what actually happened? 

I'm also totally here if you just want to rant and bitch about anything and everything, cuz I think you have every right to at this moment. I also wanted to say that I think Kevin is amazing. I'm in awe of him and you too 😊

I really hope to hear back from you, I've been missing our chats!"

"Hey Shan, I am so enjoying your blog...writing is so therapeutic...but of course my heart aches for you....i wish we lived closer...so sad that you are so ill & lonely...if you would feel comfortable would you please send me your address...would love to drop you a card ...or something homemade & sweet??? Do you have any food restrictions??

Thinking bout you lots...and sending hugs"

"I was thinking of coming over  around 12:30. Is that alright? Do you need anything? Would you like me to pick up something for lunch?"

"Shanley i knew u were sick but had no idea to what extent. I've been reading ur blog and the tears just started flowing. Besides being unnaturally beautiful on the outside lol, ur soul, ur heart shines. Ur an amazing woman and I have an ever deeper admiration of u. I felt a connection with u when I met u for some reason. Shockingly cause I don't like ppl a lot lol. I resonated with ur tough girl attitude. I understand that completely. I just met a guy and I actually like him so naturally I wanna take off running!  I'm trying to be cool about it on the outside and not show him complete crazy.  Idk how to do this dating thing. Ur words have given me some hope for myself, eventually lol. I just want to know what can I do for u?  I wish I drove and could just sit on the couch and nap, talk, whatever with u sometimes. I'm at a loss for words. I can't believe u can't get disability. I just want u to know that I will be here if u need someone to talk to or lean on. I know u have a lot of friends and family an ur husband is AMAZING. But one more won't hurt. Ur a hero in my eyes. I wish u nothing but happiness and less pain. More light and love.  Namaste"

"Keep blogging, it's very powerful and I know you didn't ask for my opinion, but I can't wait to see you to deeper with it.... I know it's been a long journey, but I really hope you start feeling better soon."

"Hi Shanley,

I just read some of your blog and wanted you to know that you are on my mind. I am thinking of you and praying for you. I can't imagine or fully understand what you are going through and I don't always know the best way to put feelings into words, but I am a big fan of quotes, proverbs, and poems. I am hoping that some of these quotes I found can offer you words of encouragement.....

"Let someone love you just the way you are - as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are. To believe that you must hide all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating the dark room." ~thethingswesay.com

"An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that it's going to launch you into something great. So just focus, and keep aiming." ~unknown

"I'd be unstoppable if not for law enforcement & physics." ~unknown

"Giving up on your goal because of one setback is like slashing your other three tires because you got a flat." ~christinekane.com

"10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have no Jobs, no Hope, and no Cash." ~unknown (pinterest)

"Tears are prayers too. They travel to God when we can't speak." ~ Psalm 56:8

"The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us but those who win battles we know nothing about." ~unknown (pinterest)

"I can't promise to fix all your problems but I can promise you won't have to face them all alone." ~unknown (pinterest)

"Never apologize for what you feel. It's like saying sorry for being REAL." ~ILIKETOQUOTE.COM

I hope you smiled at some point. Keep your chin a up and keep writing."

"I just read your blog post. It reminds me so much of my grandparents. They had the strongest love I've ever known and I feel honored to have even been able to be in its presence. I know we haven't kept in touch over the years, but that number right above this message sent December 2007, still works. And I'd encourage you to use it if you ever need an ear to listen or mouth to distract you and perhaps offer advice on something I can't begin to understand, but feel for nonetheless. Keep your chin up, Shanley. We're all rooting for you."

"Hey shan! I got to tell ya- I enjoy reading your blogs- I'm learning about your sickness and I continue to keep you in my prayers! Loved your beachy pics with your hubby- beach pictures are always my favorite! (No make up needed!) I wish you didn't live in _____ bc I sure would love to catch up! Hang in there girl, it doesn't sound easy but with love of your family and hubs I have total confidence your tomboy self will be back! Xxoo"

"And oh em gee shanley we all hope you get bettrr.  This terrible you dont deserve this your are the best person I have ever met ! I know you will have somyhing good coming around the corner soon you deserve It ! :( please get better !!!!!!!!!!!! ♥

......I dont know where I would be with out you . You have really been a big helping hand."

"I miss you so much. I love you.

I actually just started crying when I typed those texts. I'm sad for what you've lost, I'm sad I don't see you anymore, that you can't really talk to me, we still love each other the same but our friendship is different now and I miss you a whole lot. <3

I am glad you started the blog but it does make me incredibly sad when I read it, so I don't do it often. I feel like, I'm a nurse and I should be able to help you. I have all the education, but it is so useless in helping someone I love so much. I don't want to make your struggles about me, I hope I am not coming off that way..."

"Hey Shan I know you've been feeling down lately with all the medical stuff , I just wanted to tell you to stay strong. You are always there for me and everyone on the team, You are a gorgeous person Inside and out, and you can make it through anything. Get well soon Shan, love and miss you."

"Love your modeling pics on IG and super love your tri hair (of course). I'm back in the hospital. Sigh. Hope you're feeling a little better. Glad to see you blogging."

"That happened to my aunt when she had knew surgery. She was 23 at the time. In her 40s now. And has multiple surgeries which never helped. Sorry that's not encouraging news.. I really do wish the best.... That sounds terrible. I thought I had problems too young with a bad back."

"sorry to see the recent events with your body and health 😔 praying things get better babe."

"I wish there was something I could do for you 😩Your such a good woman... I love you and I wish I could be there for you. I will be back In town June 12-16 - If you need someone to wash & dry your hair..😪😁"

"Heard everything got worse!:( I really hope everything gets better and im sure it will!! I love you lots and Im here if you need anything shan"

It's Me and You

Everyone comes up with their little tricks to cope through the really hard times. It's a fact of life for people like me that there will be horribly challenging moments and we need help getting through them without have a complete mental breakdown.

For me, lately at least, my truly horrible moments seem to be when the pain, for whatever reason, escalates suddenly, out of nowhere. I live in constant pain and I'm on a bazillion medications. So I can deal with the pain. Except for the sudden onset escalations. Those send me into mini-panic attacks (because the pain alone isn't bad enough, stupid body of mine).

The triggers for sudden onset pain are typically sudden cold air/wind, when someone accidentally touches my tender spots too hard (pat on the back, squeezing hug on that side), when I fall, when I almost fall but catch myself with my left hand (stupid body reacting stupidly!), and finally the "just because it happens" trigger. I also have the mini-attacks from bad news/emotional pain.

I can't prevent any of these. But when they happen my slight familial tremor I inherited from my mom goes crazy and one body part shakes as if I'm seizing. Literally, if I'm in bed with the tremor, you'd think you were in one of those tacky old motel rooms with the vibrating bed.

In addition to the tremors, my reaction to the pain is tears. Duh, right? Kevin and my dad have gotten really good at identifying the onset by the look on my face (if they aren't by my side for me to just tell them). I clench my face, my entire body as well, but really squeeze my face, refusing to cry until I'm somewhere safe. A private room. The car. Just not in public, not in the middle of my grandma's 90th birthday party, or Opening Day for the Nats, or Easter at my cousins.

I know I need to be hugged. Held. Loved. Reassured. I used to be a "tough girl" who didn't want people to see me cry, ever. If I had to cry I would run away alone, lock myself somewhere totally private. Now when this happens, Kevin or my dad or whoever is emotionally closest to me at the event damn well better take me away. I can't be alone with these tears. I have to be held, so I can start feeling safe.

It is a slow process. It gets worse before it gets better. Once I'm in the private safe place to cry I let go of the tension and my tears come cascading out. My body shakes with sobs, even if the tremor doesn't kick in. My hair gets soaked by my own tears. Kevin's shirt gets drenched. I feel as if I can't breathe, I feel as if I can't possibly survive the next few minutes or hour. I feel like I'm going to die.

I am in that moment trying to rescue myself from drowning in my own pain. I can't possibly do it. When this happens and I'm alone, I inevitably cry and sob until my body is exhausted and I fall asleep. But the best way I survive this, is with Kevin in charge.

We learned the best technique on Opening Day. We were having a great time and it was my first game at Nationals Park. It was actually really warm, even hot, most of the day. I was loving every minute of the experience, sharing one of K's favorite things with him. Watching Bryce Harper hit TWO home runs on Opening Day. What a day!

The Nat's won and we were in celebration mode. Everyone was. We had to wait to meet some friends so Kevin could give them the shirts he made (very clever, about Pitcher Ross Detwiler, "Like a Ross"). Anyways, we were waiting, waiting, and it started getting really cold. And then windy. Double trouble for me. Kevin saw what was happening, and rushed through the exchange with his friends. I tried to smile and greet them nicely; he has wonderful friends.

We rushed to the car, which was parked reasonably close, but at that point it felt hours away for me. I failed my usual steely face and tears were streaming down my face as we navigated the crowd. I just kept my head down and trust Kev to guide me.

Once we made it back to the car, I was immediately relieved to be out of the wind. We laid my seat back and I let the waterworks start. Kevin held me, petted me, reassured me. He looked into my eyes and showed no fear of his own. He told me it was going to be okay, over and over. He said, "It's me and you baby, it's just me and you. It's going to be okay, because it's me and you. I'm not going anywhere. It's me and you."

Time passed. I calmed some. His parents came to the car to drop some things off for us. His mom reassured me and patted my hand through the window. His dad gave me a Nats hat, my very own! They understand remarkably well for me so new to me and my stuff. After they left, Kevin repeated those lines a few more times. The pain was still too much, but I was calm. I was back.

I told him, those words were the best comfort/reassurance I've ever gotten during any panicky times. Most guys I've dated ask me "what am I supposed to do?!" even when I'm halfway comatose after fainting. And once they see something like this, they run away. Men have always run away from me because of my health problems. Kevin is the first to stay. And being reassured, "me and you baby, just me and you," reminded me I'm not alone. I never will be.

Love & The Little Things That Make My Days Bright

I meant to post this on Mother's Day, but ya know.... us sick kids aren't always timely with our plans. Plus the meds make us forget stuff. For those of you that don't know me very well, this girl is someone who I have mentored for the last two years and consider her my half-daughter. She often calls me Mommy, and during season I coaches her, she leaves me little love letters in my coaching book. I haven't been able to see her recently, but she'll always be my girl.

The happy Mother's Day text came in on Sunday night. My reply was in the morning. And calling me "Stanley" wasn't a typo, it's one of her weirdly affectionate things.

Negativity Jumped In & I Needed To Check Myself, So.... GRATITUDE LIST A-Z

Does the negativity matter? Probably shouldn't, but it feels like it. Please stick with me, I need to vent the negativity, then I'll get to gratitude. I PROMISE! (Or if you don't want to read the vent, scroll down to the positivity. It's not like I'll know!!)

I'm in the process of losing my house. (I have a stack of medical bills a foot high, most from the few months I was uninsured, some from even with insurance!) And so of course, the mortgage also became very challenging.

POP QUIZ:   How do you pay for out-of-pocket health care and housing when you are too sick to work and you are denied disability by the government?
ANSWER:  Oh, I don't have one, I was hoping you did.

So times are tough. Clearly. I thought I was going to get a renter for my home and I was thrilled. I'd still be a little behind on the mortgage but I'd get a chance to catch up. But then my Realtor screwed the pooch big time, time and time again. So that deal fell through. And now the bank says my "grace period" to put off paying is over.

This leaves me with one real option: a short sale. (Unless any of you are secretly rich and are interested in charity cases?!) In case you don't know, a short sale is when your bank says, okay, you can get out of this and we'll sell the house for a loss. You still may have to pay those months of debt, and the hit to your credit score is nearly as bad as a foreclosure.

Anyway, the girl from the bank I was talking to on the phone about this had a stereotypical valley-girl voice, and was overly cheery. I don't know about any of you guys, but while detailing my health and financial struggles and hearing someone talking to me like that, it kind of make me want to strangle either her or me....just to make it stop. Like, please?!

So I get through it; I'm scheduled to discuss all this with a case manager next week. And she leaves me with, "Well, I hope I've solved all your problems. Thanks so much for being a valued member of the BAC mortgage family! You have a spectacular rest of your day!"

I'm sure some of that is standard shit she HAS to say, but Oh-Emm-Gee, did she actually hear what we discussed??  Yup. Problems solved. Valued member about to lose that mortgage. And spectacular day, yeahhh she definitely wasn't listening to the medical stuff I said. I don't HAVE spectacular days anymore. I have constant pain. It's not spectacular. It's just not.

Here's where I get better. After realizing I can't strangle her, because I don't even know what time zone she's in. And I don't want to strangle myself. That REALLY won't solve anything. And I really don't want to stew in this all day either. So I go through my metaphorical box of tools and think this is a time that calls for a gratitude list. Without further ado, here's my A-Z Gratitude List:

A- Ash, Amanda, Amy S-F, & Alkaline Trio
B- Blaze, Baltimore, basketball, baseball & Bryce Harper
C- Casey, coffee, cardiologists, & coaching
D- Dad, DD3, doctors, & Denny's
E- Erika & Eastern Shore of MD
F- FCB, friends, & family
G- Gavin & gay marriage equality
H- Hockey, Holtby, & hospitals
I- Ice skating & ice cream
J- Jill B for washing my hair when I couldn't
K- Kevin, Kerry, Kali, & Keurig
L- Love & life
M- Moo, M&M's, Molly, Moshe, Mom & mixtapes
N- Noelani, neurologists, & neurosurgery
O- Old-timers & the ocean
P- Pete, Pipeline Soccer Club, PHS, & perspective
Q- Quest Court
R- Rose gardens, red roses, & Reece's Pieces
S- Soccer, sports in general, Steph, & Sara
T- Tattoos, Third Eye Blind, twizzlers, & traveling
U- Undergrad years at Salisbury U
V- Vivian, my new friend & vows
W- Wifey & Warfields
X- X-ray machines. Yeah, I'm a sick kid. Medical technology is super important.
Y- Youth sports, youth mentoring, young love
Z- Zebras, of the Rainbow variety. The almost 22 year old one, and the almost 2 year old one